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There’s nothing the Real Housewives of New Jersey seem to love better than catering for a crowd, cutting each other down or taking a trip to the Shore. And tonight’s season premiere has plenty of all three.
Months may have passed since season three’s dramatic reunion show, but the women of Franklin Lakes are still dealing with the fallout from Teresa Giudice‘s cookbook. Or as Christopher Manzo puts it at a family chow-fest, “I was just at the Olive Garden so I’m full.”
So here’s an honorary fist pump to the ladies of the Garden State and their horny, half-dressed hubbies. Now, lets get this recap action rolling!
MORE: Real Housewives of New Jersey‘s Caroline Manzo Dishes on Teresa, Dina and More Feuds to Come!
Apologies may be harmful to Teresa’s health (i.e., you’re not getting one). “This is not healthy for me. Do you feel this?” she says clutching her heart while discussing her cookbook digs at Caroline Manzo and her family.
But Caroline’s not moved. She goes all Jedi master on Teresa, staring her down without saying a word. “You have to pick your battles so I’d rather just co-exist,” she overdubs. Smooth move, mama Manzo. We almost start talking to the TV screen just to fill the awkward silence.
Meanwhile, everyone’s getting ready for some sun-filled days at the Shore. Which includes packing the sex toys, lube and leopard-print bikinis.
MORE: Real Housewives‘ Hubby Joe Giudice Indicted Over Fake License
“I just love every part of the Jersey Shore. Ripped bodies. Coconuts. That does it for me,” says Kathy Wakile, (sounds a lot like the adult version of GTL).
Joe Gorga‘s also looking to get his groove on with a special soundproof master bedroom “so nobody can hear what mommy and daddy are doing. There’s going to be a lot of Gorgasms happening.”
Nice try, Joe. Next time, may we suggest providing hardhats for the construction zone that is your “redone” Jersey Shore renovation project. And don’t try to tell us that funky green pool would clear any safety standards.
“For the record,” says Melissa Gorga, “Joe’s probably not going to release any poison this weekend!”
MORE: Real Housewives‘ Dina Manzo Blogs “The Truth” About Feud With Sister Caroline
Ditto Joe Giudice after the cussing car trip from hell that goes something like this:
“No, so shut up. Don’t give me a kiss”
“Bleep this.”
“It was business Gia so shut up. Keep your nose out of my business.”
But no matter what Teresa’s husband grunts, he can’t top eight-year-old Milania‘s dig at big sis’ Gia: “Yeah, you stupid whore.”
That’s daddy’s girl.
MORE: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Joe Gorga Likes to Have Sex—a Lot
Family relations are equally strained at the Laurita house where Jacqueline and Chris are tired of getting drunk-dialed every time Ashley goes into the city.
One life-coach session later (what is it with Bravo stars and their onscreen therapy?!) and Chris threatens to kick Ashley out if she doesn’t follow his clean-up-your-life plan: a trip to Las Vegas.
“I’m going to throw up,” Ash says at the idea.
Wait up. Ashley’s options are Vegas or homeless? This is the tough love choice being handed down to her?!
We are officially offering ourselves up for adoption to the Laurita family. One all-expenses trip to Sin City in exchange for being a dutiful daughter…where do we sign up?
MORE: N.J. Housewives‘ Caroline: We Are Not the Sopranos!
So what did you think about tonight’s episode? Were you disappointed the ladies hadn’t moved past last season’s petty grievances? Did the randy road-tripping help or hurt the Jersey Shore’s already fragile reputation? And which sulky cast-member is most in need of a reality check: Joe Giudice or Ashley? Weigh in on all the Jersey action in our comments section below!
PHOTOS: Real Housewives of New Jersey‘s OMG Moments!
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‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’ season premiere recap: The Giudice Mind Trick
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“EVERYBODY FIGHTS OVER MONEY AND JEALOUSY” There’s nothing wrong with your television — or maybe there is. Teresa can be seen on not one but two TV shows airing at the same time tonight.
The fourth season premiere of The Real Housewives of New Jersey was about as chronologically complex as a Christopher Nolan movie. At the very beginning, we flashed back to the future to last season’s fiery reunion (oh dear, I’ve gone cross-eyed), where former “fambly” members Caroline Manzo and Teresa Giudice fought like sworn enemies, and Jacqueline Laurita didn’t even show up because she couldn’t bear to face her former bestie Teresa. For tonight’s premiere, we’re starting with events that occurred four months before the taping of last year’s reunion. Confused? Don’t be, just take a page from Teresa and don’t think.
The Gorgas and the Wakiles gathered for a back yard barbecue to talk about, of course, their prodigal sister Teresa. This whole scene felt particularly staged, especially because everyone was pretending they hadn’t already read Fabulicious, when you know they all sweatily scanned the book for any mention of themselves the moment it hit shelves. In the book, Teresa claimed that her sister-in-law Melissa Gorga copied everything she does, and that got everyone all hot and bothered. Kathy Wakile’s husband Rich took things too far (as usual) by saying, “I think we should burn the bitch on a stake.” On the other hand Joe Gorga, who’s gotten way veinier since the last time we saw him, didn’t want to “re-hatch” their problems with his sister. (By the way, it’s Joe’s mission in life to rehash his problems with Teresa on television… over and over again). But I’m all for re-hatching Teresa — she could use a little more time to incubate. (Sidenote: I’m so happy that Kathy’s sister Rosie, who was mostly silent all last season, has found her voice. I’m entertained by her super-aggressive energy and her ’90s-inspired outfits).
We took a break from the hopped up Gorgas and Wakiles and cut to the comparatively demure and pale Jerseyite Caroline as she visited Jacqueline. And ugh, we were subjected to more Ashlee drama, which is literally my least favorite part of this show. Anyone who chooses to change the spelling of her name from Ashley to Ashlee has all kinds of issues, and we learned that she hasn’t changed since last season — she’s still consuming a disproportionate amount of the world’s resources, in the form of liquor and blond hair coloring, while contributing nothing in return. Jacqueline and Chris were so frustrated with their jobless daughter that they threatened to ship her off to Las Vegas. Hmm, that sounds like a great idea. I mean, there are so many wonderful career opportunities that await a dimwitted bottle blond named Ashlee in Las Vegas.
NEXT: Relations between Teresa and Caroline have gotten so icy, not even Caroline’s hot flashes can melt them
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